Disclaimer: This post is NOT an indictment on any of our friends or family. If you know our family and read this and feel like I am talking about you specifically, you've misread it. It is a general observation that I've made as I've watched families age.
I've been witness to something in the last few years that's hard to explain and yet is a reality for anyone with a significant disability or emotional issue. The phenomenon is that as these individuals age they become more and more isolated. When a child is small and has some type of behavior or significant need, those around that child deal with it. They may put up with it or they may ignore it, but for the most part, the child still goes through life with a fair amount of people around him or her - classmates, teachers, friends, family etc.
As that child ages and the behaviors or the needs continue, the child starts to lose some of those around him or her that they used to interact with. Some things are merely natural - all of us go through it. Kids graduate from high school and they leave their circle of friends to go out into the world. When this happens, they naturally lose teachers that used to be around them. For most people, they seem to find a new circle to share life with. It may be college roommates or friends at work or church or clubs, but they do find people to be with and share things with.
It's not quite the same for those who have a significant disability or emotional issue in their life. They may not be physically or mentally able to go off to college. Or their behavior may prevent them from maintaining relationships. Because of these limitations, they ultimately become more isolated. Their previous friends and acquaintances have 'moved on' and are no longer able to (or in some cases no longer willing to) keep in contact with the person with a significant need.
I've watched a number of people who were a part of a close knit group like a sports team or a church group or a club who have not been able to continue on to college or work or the military who have watched most of the friends in those groups move on. They are unable to keep up or be a part of this next phase of life so they become isolated. Others merely become isolated because they are no longer eligible to be a part of the group they were a part of for 4 or 5 years and they can't go to the events any longer.
This is truly a sad phenomenon and even more so because I don't see an answer for how to stop it. It's natural in life to "move on." You can't really point to some one or some thing and say "HEY! That's the reason these people become isolated." If this didn't happen, or that person did this, then this issue would go away. In other words, no one is to blame, but it continues to be a problem for those with significant needs.
I've watched some families try to overcome it by helping their child find new groups and/or creating new groups with old friends. I've watched some individuals merely drift off into isolation until no one knows where that person is any more.
My charge to you who read this is to look for ways to connect with people in your lives who have significant needs. Those needs can be a disability, the death of a spouse, divorce, or an emotional issue. The list is not exhaustive. Take the time to send a card, call someone, connect in a group, offer a hug or whatever you feel might help make that person's isolation a little less. It will make a world of difference for that person and will connect both of you in new and meaningful ways.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Living Vicariously
Hockey. It's in our blood in Minnesota. Many of us play it. A lot of us watch it.
My journey with the sport has been reinvigorated in recent days. Let me go back a few years to give some background.
I was 4 or 5 and was taking skating lessons. A monster the size of a bus drove onto the ice! I was petrified as I tried to move my little legs to get off the ice before it killed me. That's how I remember it anyway. I'm sure reality was a little less dramatic.
Fast forward about 5 years. I'm playing at the local park. Some older boys are playing hockey and I join them as a goalie. I can barely stand up so goalie suits me. A kid takes a shot. I fall and make the save with my knee. A kids think I should maybe try staying on my feet to make a save. I say I'm OK as I try to skate. Now I skate even worse than when I started.
Those two highlights of on-ice time are frozen in my memory.
Fast forward about 37 years. My six year old is on the ice and is in his second year of mites hockey. He is now playing goalie with all the paraphernalia required to protect his little body from the onslaught of the black disk. Not only is he skating better than I did when I "played," he's actually shown some potential according to a couple of dads/coaches that know way more about this than I do.
So I've found myself schlepping my son around from rink to rink to get his ice time. Some weeks he plays goalie. Others not. He likes goalie a little more, but loves the game. The other night it was a goalie clinic. He and some 30 odd goalies ranging in ages from 6 to 16 are learning things like: positioning, stick saves, the butterfly, post to post movement etc. So my dreams of being a goalie from days gone by are now transferred to my son.
Yes, I know living vicariously through children can be dangerous. They don't need the pressure to be what we wanted to be years ago. I've made a conscious decision not to put that pressure on my son and simply enjoy every moment he's on the ice. I'll take him as far as he wants to go, but when he's done, I'll hang it up with no skate laces attached.
Instead of merely living through him, I've learned that I can have some measure of joy on the frozen water. I've found a pair of skates that fit and are in pretty good shape. I've laced them more in the last month than I have in all the previous years of my life. I've played with my boys and have learned how to stop - well at least one direction any way. I've managed to play a pick up game with a few young boys (ones who can actually skate at my speed! Or is that the other way around?). I'm getting a chance at this age to do the things I wanted to do as a kid, but didn't have the courage or the desire to complete.
I'm invigorated by this new activity and am learning that there are second chances for things missed in years gone by. It should be obvious that serious organized hockey is not in my future, but for me I am living a dream.
My journey with the sport has been reinvigorated in recent days. Let me go back a few years to give some background.
I was 4 or 5 and was taking skating lessons. A monster the size of a bus drove onto the ice! I was petrified as I tried to move my little legs to get off the ice before it killed me. That's how I remember it anyway. I'm sure reality was a little less dramatic.
Fast forward about 5 years. I'm playing at the local park. Some older boys are playing hockey and I join them as a goalie. I can barely stand up so goalie suits me. A kid takes a shot. I fall and make the save with my knee. A kids think I should maybe try staying on my feet to make a save. I say I'm OK as I try to skate. Now I skate even worse than when I started.
Those two highlights of on-ice time are frozen in my memory.
Fast forward about 37 years. My six year old is on the ice and is in his second year of mites hockey. He is now playing goalie with all the paraphernalia required to protect his little body from the onslaught of the black disk. Not only is he skating better than I did when I "played," he's actually shown some potential according to a couple of dads/coaches that know way more about this than I do.
So I've found myself schlepping my son around from rink to rink to get his ice time. Some weeks he plays goalie. Others not. He likes goalie a little more, but loves the game. The other night it was a goalie clinic. He and some 30 odd goalies ranging in ages from 6 to 16 are learning things like: positioning, stick saves, the butterfly, post to post movement etc. So my dreams of being a goalie from days gone by are now transferred to my son.
Yes, I know living vicariously through children can be dangerous. They don't need the pressure to be what we wanted to be years ago. I've made a conscious decision not to put that pressure on my son and simply enjoy every moment he's on the ice. I'll take him as far as he wants to go, but when he's done, I'll hang it up with no skate laces attached.
Instead of merely living through him, I've learned that I can have some measure of joy on the frozen water. I've found a pair of skates that fit and are in pretty good shape. I've laced them more in the last month than I have in all the previous years of my life. I've played with my boys and have learned how to stop - well at least one direction any way. I've managed to play a pick up game with a few young boys (ones who can actually skate at my speed! Or is that the other way around?). I'm getting a chance at this age to do the things I wanted to do as a kid, but didn't have the courage or the desire to complete.
I'm invigorated by this new activity and am learning that there are second chances for things missed in years gone by. It should be obvious that serious organized hockey is not in my future, but for me I am living a dream.
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