Isolation

Disclaimer: This post is NOT an indictment on any of our friends or family. If you know our family and read this and feel like I am talking about you specifically, you've misread it. It is a general observation that I've made as I've watched families age.


I've been witness to something in the last few years that's hard to explain and yet is a reality for anyone with a significant disability or emotional issue. The phenomenon is that as these individuals age they become more and more isolated. When a child is small and has some type of behavior or significant need, those around that child deal with it. They may put up with it or they may ignore it, but for the most part, the child still goes through life with a fair amount of people around him or her - classmates, teachers, friends, family etc.

As that child ages and the behaviors or the needs continue, the child starts to lose some of those around him or her that they used to interact with. Some things are merely natural - all of us go through it. Kids graduate from high school and they leave their circle of friends to go out into the world. When this happens, they naturally lose teachers that used to be around them. For most people, they seem to find a new circle to share life with. It may be college roommates or friends at work or church or clubs, but they do find people to be with and share things with.

It's not quite the same for those who have a significant disability or emotional issue in their life. They may not be physically or mentally able to go off to college. Or their behavior may prevent them from maintaining relationships. Because of these limitations, they ultimately become more isolated. Their previous friends and acquaintances have 'moved on' and are no longer able to (or in some cases no longer willing to) keep in contact with the person with a significant need.

I've watched a number of people who were a part of a close knit group like a sports team or a church group or a club who have not been able to continue on to college or work or the military who have watched most of the friends in those groups move on. They are unable to keep up or be a part of this next phase of life so they become isolated. Others merely become isolated because they are no longer eligible to be a part of the group they were a part of for 4 or 5 years and they can't go to the events any longer.

This is truly a sad phenomenon and even more so because I don't see an answer for how to stop it. It's natural in life to "move on." You can't really point to some one or some thing and say "HEY! That's the reason these people become isolated." If this didn't happen, or that person did this, then this issue would go away. In other words, no one is to blame, but it continues to be a problem for those with significant needs.

I've watched some families try to overcome it by helping their child find new groups and/or creating new groups with old friends. I've watched some individuals merely drift off into isolation until no one knows where that person is any more.

My charge to you who read this is to look for ways to connect with people in your lives who have significant needs. Those needs can be a disability, the death of a spouse, divorce, or an emotional issue. The list is not exhaustive. Take the time to send a card, call someone, connect in a group, offer a hug or whatever you feel might help make that person's isolation a little less. It will make a world of difference for that person and will connect both of you in new and meaningful ways.

Living Vicariously

Hockey. It's in our blood in Minnesota. Many of us play it. A lot of us watch it.

My journey with the sport has been reinvigorated in recent days. Let me go back a few years to give some background.

I was 4 or 5 and was taking skating lessons. A monster the size of a bus drove onto the ice! I was petrified as I tried to move my little legs to get off the ice before it killed me. That's how I remember it anyway. I'm sure reality was a little less dramatic.

Fast forward about 5 years. I'm playing at the local park. Some older boys are playing hockey and I join them as a goalie. I can barely stand up so goalie suits me. A kid takes a shot. I fall and make the save with my knee. A kids think I should maybe try staying on my feet to make a save. I say I'm OK as I try to skate. Now I skate even worse than when I started.

Those two highlights of on-ice time are frozen in my memory.

Fast forward about 37 years. My six year old is on the ice and is in his second year of mites hockey. He is now playing goalie with all the paraphernalia required to protect his little body from the onslaught of the black disk. Not only is he skating better than I did when I "played," he's actually shown some potential according to a couple of dads/coaches that know way more about this than I do.

So I've found myself schlepping my son around from rink to rink to get his ice time. Some weeks he plays goalie. Others not. He likes goalie a little more, but loves the game. The other night it was a goalie clinic. He and some 30 odd goalies ranging in ages from 6 to 16 are learning things like: positioning, stick saves, the butterfly, post to post movement etc. So my dreams of being a goalie from days gone by are now transferred to my son.

Yes, I know living vicariously through children can be dangerous. They don't need the pressure to be what we wanted to be years ago. I've made a conscious decision not to put that pressure on my son and simply enjoy every moment he's on the ice. I'll take him as far as he wants to go, but when he's done, I'll hang it up with no skate laces attached.

Instead of merely living through him, I've learned that I can have some measure of joy on the frozen water. I've found a pair of skates that fit and are in pretty good shape. I've laced them more in the last month than I have in all the previous years of my life. I've played with my boys and have learned how to stop - well at least one direction any way. I've managed to play a pick up game with a few young boys (ones who can actually skate at my speed! Or is that the other way around?). I'm getting a chance at this age to do the things I wanted to do as a kid, but didn't have the courage or the desire to complete.

I'm invigorated by this new activity and am learning that there are second chances for things missed in years gone by. It should be obvious that serious organized hockey is not in my future, but for me I am living a dream.

Good Gifts

My last post was about "The Perfect Gift." This is similar, but more about gifts I have received. Today is my birthday. It's very nice to be honored, but I can take or leave the day.

My grandmother used to say that she was very happy when someone would send her a birthday card because that meant they remembered her. I was a kid at the time and remember thinking "You've got to be kidding! I can't imagine myself thinking that when there's money and gifts to be had on a birthday!"

Now that I'm somewhere in the morass (2. A complicated or confused situation.) of middle-age, I do find myself cherishing cards, well wishes and kind words. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy a tangible gift, but I'm more fond of the non-tangibles than I was as a kid.

I have received several remarkable gifts so far this year. I'd list them, but if I did, I'd leave someone out and that would blow out the candles on a birthday in a way that just wouldn't be pleasant.

I will however, acknowledge my daughter's wish of "Happy Birthday" to me because it was done independently with her electronic talker. She built the following sentence. "I want to I love you I want a drink Happy Birthday." Just in case you're wondering, I asked her about the drink part and she said that was a mistake on the way to the real message of Happy Birthday.

I'm thankful to be able to cherish the gift whether tangible or not. Thank you all.

The "Perfect Gift"

One of the things about trying to be a good dad that's always bugged me is Christmas Day. In some ways, I dread the holiday. Why would I dread the most anticipated day of the year? For that very reason - anticipation.

Several years ago, we decided to have each of our kids open one gift on Christmas eve. It wasn't supposed to be a big deal because we knew the "best" presents were yet to come on Christmas day. When one of my kids opened the present, they were stunned. It was pajamas. They were so stunned that they cried. I was pretty choked up too. I couldn't believe that such a let down could occur.

So the anticipation is a big deal - especially for the younger crowd. They have more than "visions of sugar plums" dancing in their heads.

The other side of the coin is that I'm not about to spend a fortune to meet that anticipation.

Consequently gift giving becomes quite a tricky business. I want to have their eyes light up, but I don't want them to think that whatever they say is whatever they get.

So we tried a little different approach this year. We asked what they wanted, but we also listened to what they said they wanted when they weren't asking. Some things were verbal. Some things were non- verbal.

We bought presents that they wanted, but then also worked subtly to avoid the "crash" of not receiving what they anticipated. We'd ask questions like "what if you get such and such instead of that really big thing you wanted?" Most of the time it was "Oh that'd be OK because..." But once in a while they'd go on to offer clues as to why they really wanted the first request. We'd listen carefully and then make a decision based on what we'd learned.

I have to say it went quite well. Each child had a favorite gift and even if the gift we bought wasn't the favorite, it was still mentioned as being "great."


There was one exception to this approach this year. My daughter is so very hard to buy for because she doesn't always know what she wants and she can not do anything physically. Giving her any kind of present is a challenge.

I got the idea for "the perfect gift" in an odd place - a funeral. Recently a friend lost her 24 year old son. His caregivers talked about what he liked and what they did to make sure he got to do what he liked. One of the caregivers talked about making sure he had HIS favorite music on his MP3 player. When I heard that, the light bulb went off in my head.

My daughter had recently received a new electronic communication device and part of it had a built in MP3 player. She'd been talking more and more about "music" and I knew she wanted some on her device. I realized though that I had never taken the time to REALLY find out what SHE wanted. So I bought her an iTunes card with the plan that on Christmas day I would spend the time sitting down with her and find out songs that SHE liked. I was excited because not only did I have a plan, I had something that I could actually DO with her while the other kids were tearing up the house with whatever they got.

After opening presents and before breakfast, we were off to my computer. We spent about an hour going through some artists that I knew she liked and then doing a wider search to see if she liked other things. After breakfast we returned to complete the searching. It was amazing how patient she was during the middle of the day when we played a couple of family games. In the evening she returned to the computer with my wife to confirm the earlier choices. Then I took over and we purchased the songs, downloaded them and I put them on her device.

She spent over an hour and a half listening and clicking through various choices on her device. Some times she'd share them with us, and at other times she'd turn the headphones on to listen by herself. I left the songs on while I got her ready for bed. During that time she said "Can I tell you something?" This usually means she's worried about something, but instead she merely said, "thank you." I knew exactly what she meant. She was thanking me for the music, for the time spent together and for the time to get the music on her device so she could use it. I gave her a big kiss and a very big "you're welcome."

Until you spend 17 Christmases looking for the "perfect gift" and watching your child be disappointed 17 times, you can't begin to imagine the overwhelming pleasure I had when she spoke those two words. No other present that I received this year can match the gift I was given in those two words.

I want to thank the caregivers of my friend's son who opened my eyes. Without their insight, I never would have found the "perfect gift."

The Change We Voted For?!

I just read today the the Administration states that unemployment will remain around 9% until about 2012. The deficit this year will be 1.47 trillion dollars.

Well, that MUST be the CHANGE we all voted for don't you think? After all, we wanted things to get bigger right? Or was that supposed to be better? I guess bigger isn't always better.

I know a lot of folks want to blame Bush and his folks for this mess, but we've had 18 months of "change" and I don't really like it.

I don't like it because the "change" I see and hear is the "ka ching" of the change machine as the new Administration hands out money we don't have. You hear about it everywhere. Congress passes another bill that sends $$ out the door for this program or that buyout. Dollars that don't exist! If the dollars don't exist, then we have to be borrowing the money - which is evident by increasing deficits and national debt!

They're forecasting that we'll continue to take in less taxes than we will spend for the near future.

OK let's do the math.

I have $100, but just in order to live it costs me $150. Where do I get the $50? A nice bank loans me the $50. Now I can live, but I owe the bank $50, plus interest (they're really not as nice as I thought).

My income stays the same but my expenses increase by a mere 2%! Now it costs me $153 to live. I still can't make it because my income hasn't changed. I borrow a second time from the not so nice bank and now I owe $103 plus interest.

It's not hard to see that it won't take me long to be in such debt that I'll never get out of it. UNLESS I complete one of the two basic rules of budgeting - 1. spend less or 2. earn more! There really are no other options here.

Borrowing until I die only leaves my heirs with the mess. Did I forget to mention that the not-so-nice bank still wants it's money with interest, after I'm gone? Well they do, and my kids are now trying to figure out how to pay the bank because when they sold all my assets, there wasn't enough to pay the bank.

So I've compounded the problem for my family by using money I didn't have. It's really no different for our country. It's as basic as it gets - 1. spend less or 2. earn more. If our country "earns more." It means more taxes. We're all ready to give more to our "wise" leaders aren't we? Well I'm not, so I'd rather spend less.

We have dug such a deep hole that if we don't stop the bleeding of money via borrowing, we WON'T be able to recover. It will bring disasters that we can't even imagine. We may think these last few years have been bad, but if we can't pay for what we need to live (as a country) then that not so nice bank in my example will come in and take over our great nation. Oh did I forget to mention that the bank is a foreign nation (or two?). If we think that fighting wars with weapons that kill is tough - wait until someone other than our law makers are running this place and telling us what to do.

So how's that change workin out for ya?

The Perfect Game

If you're a sports fan at all, you've heard of the recent "perfect game" that wasn't. Armando Galarraga was one out away from pitching a perfect game - 27 batters, 27 outs, no-hits, no-runs. Sadly an umpire called out number 27 safe and there went the perfect game - or did it?

Usually when an umpire blows a call, there's screaming from the team that feels cheated. After the screaming the manager of the team gets thrown out of the game and the umpiring crew postures to save face with statements like "the call stands."

But this was noticeably different. Immediately after the call, the Detroit Tigers didn't scream. They were visibly upset, but they kept their composure. Their manager discussed the call with the umpire and then calmly walked back to the dugout without throwing a tantrum.

After the game, the umpire admitted his own mistake and apologized to the pitcher who had thrown the perfect game. It was also reported that the pitcher forgave the umpire.

The next day the umpire had to face his humanity and come back out and do his job - this time calling balls and strikes. He met the pitcher at home plate because the Detroit manager had given him the lineup card. The umpire was wiping away tears - tears I'm sure of regret and sorrow and humiliation. All because he was human the night before.

This made me think of the many times I've complained about umpires or referees. I get pretty passionate about sporting events and have yelled at my share of officials. Why? I don't really know other than to say I get caught up in the emotion of the game. That's not an excuse for being a fool, it's the only reason I can think of.

In spite of the fact that this umpiring error was big, it's still just a GAME! The error didn't cost anyone their life. The error didn't cost anyone their marriage. The error didn't cost anyone their right to freedom. It was a mistake in a game and although it will be talked about for years to come, it did not cause bodily or permanent harm to anyone.

So why do I think it was a "perfect game?" It was a perfect game because there were human beings doing their best at their jobs. One human made a mistake and later admitted that mistake. Another human being forgave the first one for the mistake. In this day of million dollar prima donnas, these two people were the classiest people on the field. They showed what it takes to be a true champion - humility, honesty and forgiveness.

As for me, I hope to be a better fan of all of the future games I will watch - professional or amateur. After all, I'd like to be a part of the next "perfect game."

Food Perspectives

Today was an interesting day in contrasts with regard to food.

I started my day at Andover Elementary where I volunteered to assist the kids in packing food for Haiti.

I had fun doing it.
I was a volunteer.
I worked with my kids.
I worked for 3 hours.
The food we packed was basic stuff - soy, flavoring, nutrients and rice.

By the end of the time it was reported that the entire team had packed enough food to feed 29,000 people!

I ended my day at a taste test.

I had fun doing it.
I was paid a small stipend.
I sat by myself.
I worked for 30 minutes.
The food I tasted was not basic.

By the end of the time, I was full and no one else benefitted.


It struck me as quite the contrast in the world of food. The amount I was paid in the test was the same amount that it cost to make, pack and ship enough meals for one person for 7 months!

Wow. What a difference in activities! How fortunate we really are to live here!