In earlier posts, I made the argument that things like drugs, pornography and even Facebook CAN banned inside our homes. In making the argument about banning things, There's been one comeback I'd like to address. That comeback is "You can't compare Facebook to drugs or porn." Well, I would disagree. First of all, Facebook has porn available all the time. Oh no, not the hard stuff, but take a look at all of those pictures posted and you're sure to find at least one person wearing something that leaves little to the imagination. And comparing it to drugs, that's a slam dunk. It's already been written about that Facebook has been found to be addicting.
But whether or not you agree that Facebook and drugs or porn are the similar, there's still significant dangers for letting a child use Facebook or any other social media.
1. Most children do not have the ability to think into the future. They will not be able to understand that what they write today will be seen by a potential employer in a few years. Let's not forget that many of the kids hope to be married some day. How will that conversation go with the future Mrs. or Mr. when they have to explain why a picture of such and such or why a post stating this and that was on their Facebook page?
2. Many, Many, Many people online are not who they say they are. Don't think your kid will talk to that creepy guy? You haven't seen enough 20/20 type shows.
3. Data is mined. Huh? You mean someone is watching my child? Oh yeah. Any idea why those ads started showing up in your email? Who's email address did they open the account with? Almost every story about what happens to Facebook data is BAD. 'They lost this set of data' or 'someone stole that set of data.' If you put in on the web - even in this blog, EVERYONE can see it and a LOT of people can get it.
4. The more the kids are using social media for relationships, the poorer those relationships are in the long run. You can't possibly interpret body language and voice inflection from reading a post or even looking at a photo - no matter how many emoticons you use. :) ;) :0
Perhaps none of the above concerns you. Well, it does me. I've watched or read the stories over and over and over how someone's life is impacted or even ruined and Facebook played a large part in those disasters. I plan to both protect and educate my children on the dangers of being involved with such a medium as Facebook. I'm not necessarily popular, but my family is also not suffering the ill effects of being involved with it.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Yes, you can ban Facebook, part II
... Previously I talked about banning things in the home and some of the arguments against having a ban on a particular activity like Facebook, or the content of something like TV.
Another way parents get around banning something is to say "If my child is doing it, I'll just do it so I can monitor them."
Try using the argument regarding Facebook that sounds like this, "My child has a Facebook account so I need one to monitor him/her" and then replace Facebook with pornography or drugs. It would sound like this: "My son views pornography, so the best way for me to understand him is to view it myself." Or, "my daughter is smoking pot. The best way for me to understand her is to smoke it myself." REALLY?
Where does the idea come from that if a child is doing it, we as parents must be the followers and do the same? I would not allow myself to try drugs or view pornography on my own. So why would I do it just because my child was doing it? Going back to social media - why would I have to be on Facebook or any other social media just because I learned that my child is on it? Hmmm, I guess I don't, do I?
There is an argument that completely banning something can make it more tempting. I agree that this could be true, but by banning something, it also tells our children what we stand for. We can say to our kids, "We ban drugs, because we know how harmful they are for you." We can also say "We ban Facebook because there are many dangers in using Facebook that you are not aware of." (A topic for another post)
The crux of this discussion is "who's in charge?" Are we, the parents leading the way? Or are our children and society taking control?
Coincidentally, I read an opinion piece that has a different topic - How children dress - but it addresses the same argument of who's in charge. You can read the whole article here, but I will quote the part I found most interesting:
"I don't care how popular Lil' Wayne is, my son knows I would break both of his legs long before I would allow him to walk out of the house with his pants falling off his butt. Such a stance doesn't always makes me popular -- and the house does get tense from time to time -- but I'm his father, not his friend.
Friends bow to peer pressure. Parents say, "No, and that's the end of it."
The way I see it, my son can go to therapy later if my strict rules have scarred him. But I have peace knowing he'll be able to afford therapy as an adult because I didn't allow him to wear or do whatever he wanted as a kid."
Now that's a dad that's setting a standard! Eventually, therapy or not, his son will thank him for at least setting a standard. He will thank him because kids are always pushing against the boundaries or rules to see if we will stand firm and uphold them. They aren't just testing us. They actually want the boundaries so they will feel safe! Believe it or not, they really want boundaries, but the only way to see if they exist is to test them.
The bottom line of my last two posts is that as parents we can and should set standards. Is it hard work? Absolutely. Are we often alone. You bet. Are "bans" necessary some times? Oh yes.
So we have to ask ourselves - Do we want our kids merely to be our friends? Or are we more concerned about setting a firm foundation in their hearts as we work to build moral character while working on a relationship with them?
I'm with the dad in that article.
Another way parents get around banning something is to say "If my child is doing it, I'll just do it so I can monitor them."
Try using the argument regarding Facebook that sounds like this, "My child has a Facebook account so I need one to monitor him/her" and then replace Facebook with pornography or drugs. It would sound like this: "My son views pornography, so the best way for me to understand him is to view it myself." Or, "my daughter is smoking pot. The best way for me to understand her is to smoke it myself." REALLY?
Where does the idea come from that if a child is doing it, we as parents must be the followers and do the same? I would not allow myself to try drugs or view pornography on my own. So why would I do it just because my child was doing it? Going back to social media - why would I have to be on Facebook or any other social media just because I learned that my child is on it? Hmmm, I guess I don't, do I?
There is an argument that completely banning something can make it more tempting. I agree that this could be true, but by banning something, it also tells our children what we stand for. We can say to our kids, "We ban drugs, because we know how harmful they are for you." We can also say "We ban Facebook because there are many dangers in using Facebook that you are not aware of." (A topic for another post)
The crux of this discussion is "who's in charge?" Are we, the parents leading the way? Or are our children and society taking control?
Coincidentally, I read an opinion piece that has a different topic - How children dress - but it addresses the same argument of who's in charge. You can read the whole article here, but I will quote the part I found most interesting:
"I don't care how popular Lil' Wayne is, my son knows I would break both of his legs long before I would allow him to walk out of the house with his pants falling off his butt. Such a stance doesn't always makes me popular -- and the house does get tense from time to time -- but I'm his father, not his friend.
Friends bow to peer pressure. Parents say, "No, and that's the end of it."
The way I see it, my son can go to therapy later if my strict rules have scarred him. But I have peace knowing he'll be able to afford therapy as an adult because I didn't allow him to wear or do whatever he wanted as a kid."
Now that's a dad that's setting a standard! Eventually, therapy or not, his son will thank him for at least setting a standard. He will thank him because kids are always pushing against the boundaries or rules to see if we will stand firm and uphold them. They aren't just testing us. They actually want the boundaries so they will feel safe! Believe it or not, they really want boundaries, but the only way to see if they exist is to test them.
The bottom line of my last two posts is that as parents we can and should set standards. Is it hard work? Absolutely. Are we often alone. You bet. Are "bans" necessary some times? Oh yes.
So we have to ask ourselves - Do we want our kids merely to be our friends? Or are we more concerned about setting a firm foundation in their hearts as we work to build moral character while working on a relationship with them?
I'm with the dad in that article.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Yes, you can ban Facebook!
I recently read some discussion about how much to control our kid's access to social media. The focus was on the question, "What do we do about access to Facebook?" Several items were written stating that the parents felt there was no way to ban social media at home.
I find it interesting that many parents think that they can not ban things in their own homes. The arguments used sound like this. "They'll just do it when I'm gone." or "They have friends to help them do it." Yep, those are very true statements, but that shouldn't prevent us from setting precedents in our homes - even if it means banning something.
It is a very hard thing to try and ban anything. If you ban something at home kids can and do access it elsewhere. But it is also true with: content on TV and radio, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, pornography, and the list goes on. Most people ban drugs and porn. Others are mixed on alcohol and cigarettes. TV and radio are perhaps the closest thing to social media since they are content based.
By way of example, we have bans on many things in our home: TV, radio, and internet content, drugs, porn, and cigarettes. Once in a blue moon you might find alcohol in our home (and no, we don't share it with the kids).
So we've set a precedent and started with the standard that those items are banned in our home. We don't merely ban something. We communicate with our kids why we don't think it's a great idea for them to view, use, or participate in the things we've banned. (Side note: we don't use the word ban. We merely say we don't watch that or we don't participate in that.)
We also communicate that we don't want them to participate in those things when they are not at home. Do they always follow the rules? No. But do we always come back to the standard when we learn of their participation in a banned activity or content? Yes. That's where we start the discussion and work toward an understanding of why we've banned those things at home in the first place.
Do they follow the rules some of the time? Yes. And they talk about how good it felt to say to their friends something like "I'm not going to watch that because it's has things in it that aren't good for me to see." OR "I have to check with my parents before I play that video game." They're proud of themselves for standing up for something the family values at our home. We also use those times to praise them and teach them how good it is to stand up for the values of your family.
To be continued...
I find it interesting that many parents think that they can not ban things in their own homes. The arguments used sound like this. "They'll just do it when I'm gone." or "They have friends to help them do it." Yep, those are very true statements, but that shouldn't prevent us from setting precedents in our homes - even if it means banning something.
It is a very hard thing to try and ban anything. If you ban something at home kids can and do access it elsewhere. But it is also true with: content on TV and radio, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, pornography, and the list goes on. Most people ban drugs and porn. Others are mixed on alcohol and cigarettes. TV and radio are perhaps the closest thing to social media since they are content based.
By way of example, we have bans on many things in our home: TV, radio, and internet content, drugs, porn, and cigarettes. Once in a blue moon you might find alcohol in our home (and no, we don't share it with the kids).
So we've set a precedent and started with the standard that those items are banned in our home. We don't merely ban something. We communicate with our kids why we don't think it's a great idea for them to view, use, or participate in the things we've banned. (Side note: we don't use the word ban. We merely say we don't watch that or we don't participate in that.)
We also communicate that we don't want them to participate in those things when they are not at home. Do they always follow the rules? No. But do we always come back to the standard when we learn of their participation in a banned activity or content? Yes. That's where we start the discussion and work toward an understanding of why we've banned those things at home in the first place.
Do they follow the rules some of the time? Yes. And they talk about how good it felt to say to their friends something like "I'm not going to watch that because it's has things in it that aren't good for me to see." OR "I have to check with my parents before I play that video game." They're proud of themselves for standing up for something the family values at our home. We also use those times to praise them and teach them how good it is to stand up for the values of your family.
To be continued...
Monday, January 24, 2011
Isolation
Disclaimer: This post is NOT an indictment on any of our friends or family. If you know our family and read this and feel like I am talking about you specifically, you've misread it. It is a general observation that I've made as I've watched families age.
I've been witness to something in the last few years that's hard to explain and yet is a reality for anyone with a significant disability or emotional issue. The phenomenon is that as these individuals age they become more and more isolated. When a child is small and has some type of behavior or significant need, those around that child deal with it. They may put up with it or they may ignore it, but for the most part, the child still goes through life with a fair amount of people around him or her - classmates, teachers, friends, family etc.
As that child ages and the behaviors or the needs continue, the child starts to lose some of those around him or her that they used to interact with. Some things are merely natural - all of us go through it. Kids graduate from high school and they leave their circle of friends to go out into the world. When this happens, they naturally lose teachers that used to be around them. For most people, they seem to find a new circle to share life with. It may be college roommates or friends at work or church or clubs, but they do find people to be with and share things with.
It's not quite the same for those who have a significant disability or emotional issue in their life. They may not be physically or mentally able to go off to college. Or their behavior may prevent them from maintaining relationships. Because of these limitations, they ultimately become more isolated. Their previous friends and acquaintances have 'moved on' and are no longer able to (or in some cases no longer willing to) keep in contact with the person with a significant need.
I've watched a number of people who were a part of a close knit group like a sports team or a church group or a club who have not been able to continue on to college or work or the military who have watched most of the friends in those groups move on. They are unable to keep up or be a part of this next phase of life so they become isolated. Others merely become isolated because they are no longer eligible to be a part of the group they were a part of for 4 or 5 years and they can't go to the events any longer.
This is truly a sad phenomenon and even more so because I don't see an answer for how to stop it. It's natural in life to "move on." You can't really point to some one or some thing and say "HEY! That's the reason these people become isolated." If this didn't happen, or that person did this, then this issue would go away. In other words, no one is to blame, but it continues to be a problem for those with significant needs.
I've watched some families try to overcome it by helping their child find new groups and/or creating new groups with old friends. I've watched some individuals merely drift off into isolation until no one knows where that person is any more.
My charge to you who read this is to look for ways to connect with people in your lives who have significant needs. Those needs can be a disability, the death of a spouse, divorce, or an emotional issue. The list is not exhaustive. Take the time to send a card, call someone, connect in a group, offer a hug or whatever you feel might help make that person's isolation a little less. It will make a world of difference for that person and will connect both of you in new and meaningful ways.
I've been witness to something in the last few years that's hard to explain and yet is a reality for anyone with a significant disability or emotional issue. The phenomenon is that as these individuals age they become more and more isolated. When a child is small and has some type of behavior or significant need, those around that child deal with it. They may put up with it or they may ignore it, but for the most part, the child still goes through life with a fair amount of people around him or her - classmates, teachers, friends, family etc.
As that child ages and the behaviors or the needs continue, the child starts to lose some of those around him or her that they used to interact with. Some things are merely natural - all of us go through it. Kids graduate from high school and they leave their circle of friends to go out into the world. When this happens, they naturally lose teachers that used to be around them. For most people, they seem to find a new circle to share life with. It may be college roommates or friends at work or church or clubs, but they do find people to be with and share things with.
It's not quite the same for those who have a significant disability or emotional issue in their life. They may not be physically or mentally able to go off to college. Or their behavior may prevent them from maintaining relationships. Because of these limitations, they ultimately become more isolated. Their previous friends and acquaintances have 'moved on' and are no longer able to (or in some cases no longer willing to) keep in contact with the person with a significant need.
I've watched a number of people who were a part of a close knit group like a sports team or a church group or a club who have not been able to continue on to college or work or the military who have watched most of the friends in those groups move on. They are unable to keep up or be a part of this next phase of life so they become isolated. Others merely become isolated because they are no longer eligible to be a part of the group they were a part of for 4 or 5 years and they can't go to the events any longer.
This is truly a sad phenomenon and even more so because I don't see an answer for how to stop it. It's natural in life to "move on." You can't really point to some one or some thing and say "HEY! That's the reason these people become isolated." If this didn't happen, or that person did this, then this issue would go away. In other words, no one is to blame, but it continues to be a problem for those with significant needs.
I've watched some families try to overcome it by helping their child find new groups and/or creating new groups with old friends. I've watched some individuals merely drift off into isolation until no one knows where that person is any more.
My charge to you who read this is to look for ways to connect with people in your lives who have significant needs. Those needs can be a disability, the death of a spouse, divorce, or an emotional issue. The list is not exhaustive. Take the time to send a card, call someone, connect in a group, offer a hug or whatever you feel might help make that person's isolation a little less. It will make a world of difference for that person and will connect both of you in new and meaningful ways.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Living Vicariously
Hockey. It's in our blood in Minnesota. Many of us play it. A lot of us watch it.
My journey with the sport has been reinvigorated in recent days. Let me go back a few years to give some background.
I was 4 or 5 and was taking skating lessons. A monster the size of a bus drove onto the ice! I was petrified as I tried to move my little legs to get off the ice before it killed me. That's how I remember it anyway. I'm sure reality was a little less dramatic.
Fast forward about 5 years. I'm playing at the local park. Some older boys are playing hockey and I join them as a goalie. I can barely stand up so goalie suits me. A kid takes a shot. I fall and make the save with my knee. A kids think I should maybe try staying on my feet to make a save. I say I'm OK as I try to skate. Now I skate even worse than when I started.
Those two highlights of on-ice time are frozen in my memory.
Fast forward about 37 years. My six year old is on the ice and is in his second year of mites hockey. He is now playing goalie with all the paraphernalia required to protect his little body from the onslaught of the black disk. Not only is he skating better than I did when I "played," he's actually shown some potential according to a couple of dads/coaches that know way more about this than I do.
So I've found myself schlepping my son around from rink to rink to get his ice time. Some weeks he plays goalie. Others not. He likes goalie a little more, but loves the game. The other night it was a goalie clinic. He and some 30 odd goalies ranging in ages from 6 to 16 are learning things like: positioning, stick saves, the butterfly, post to post movement etc. So my dreams of being a goalie from days gone by are now transferred to my son.
Yes, I know living vicariously through children can be dangerous. They don't need the pressure to be what we wanted to be years ago. I've made a conscious decision not to put that pressure on my son and simply enjoy every moment he's on the ice. I'll take him as far as he wants to go, but when he's done, I'll hang it up with no skate laces attached.
Instead of merely living through him, I've learned that I can have some measure of joy on the frozen water. I've found a pair of skates that fit and are in pretty good shape. I've laced them more in the last month than I have in all the previous years of my life. I've played with my boys and have learned how to stop - well at least one direction any way. I've managed to play a pick up game with a few young boys (ones who can actually skate at my speed! Or is that the other way around?). I'm getting a chance at this age to do the things I wanted to do as a kid, but didn't have the courage or the desire to complete.
I'm invigorated by this new activity and am learning that there are second chances for things missed in years gone by. It should be obvious that serious organized hockey is not in my future, but for me I am living a dream.
My journey with the sport has been reinvigorated in recent days. Let me go back a few years to give some background.
I was 4 or 5 and was taking skating lessons. A monster the size of a bus drove onto the ice! I was petrified as I tried to move my little legs to get off the ice before it killed me. That's how I remember it anyway. I'm sure reality was a little less dramatic.
Fast forward about 5 years. I'm playing at the local park. Some older boys are playing hockey and I join them as a goalie. I can barely stand up so goalie suits me. A kid takes a shot. I fall and make the save with my knee. A kids think I should maybe try staying on my feet to make a save. I say I'm OK as I try to skate. Now I skate even worse than when I started.
Those two highlights of on-ice time are frozen in my memory.
Fast forward about 37 years. My six year old is on the ice and is in his second year of mites hockey. He is now playing goalie with all the paraphernalia required to protect his little body from the onslaught of the black disk. Not only is he skating better than I did when I "played," he's actually shown some potential according to a couple of dads/coaches that know way more about this than I do.
So I've found myself schlepping my son around from rink to rink to get his ice time. Some weeks he plays goalie. Others not. He likes goalie a little more, but loves the game. The other night it was a goalie clinic. He and some 30 odd goalies ranging in ages from 6 to 16 are learning things like: positioning, stick saves, the butterfly, post to post movement etc. So my dreams of being a goalie from days gone by are now transferred to my son.
Yes, I know living vicariously through children can be dangerous. They don't need the pressure to be what we wanted to be years ago. I've made a conscious decision not to put that pressure on my son and simply enjoy every moment he's on the ice. I'll take him as far as he wants to go, but when he's done, I'll hang it up with no skate laces attached.
Instead of merely living through him, I've learned that I can have some measure of joy on the frozen water. I've found a pair of skates that fit and are in pretty good shape. I've laced them more in the last month than I have in all the previous years of my life. I've played with my boys and have learned how to stop - well at least one direction any way. I've managed to play a pick up game with a few young boys (ones who can actually skate at my speed! Or is that the other way around?). I'm getting a chance at this age to do the things I wanted to do as a kid, but didn't have the courage or the desire to complete.
I'm invigorated by this new activity and am learning that there are second chances for things missed in years gone by. It should be obvious that serious organized hockey is not in my future, but for me I am living a dream.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Good Gifts
My last post was about "The Perfect Gift." This is similar, but more about gifts I have received. Today is my birthday. It's very nice to be honored, but I can take or leave the day.
My grandmother used to say that she was very happy when someone would send her a birthday card because that meant they remembered her. I was a kid at the time and remember thinking "You've got to be kidding! I can't imagine myself thinking that when there's money and gifts to be had on a birthday!"
Now that I'm somewhere in the morass (2. A complicated or confused situation.) of middle-age, I do find myself cherishing cards, well wishes and kind words. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy a tangible gift, but I'm more fond of the non-tangibles than I was as a kid.
I have received several remarkable gifts so far this year. I'd list them, but if I did, I'd leave someone out and that would blow out the candles on a birthday in a way that just wouldn't be pleasant.
I will however, acknowledge my daughter's wish of "Happy Birthday" to me because it was done independently with her electronic talker. She built the following sentence. "I want to I love you I want a drink Happy Birthday." Just in case you're wondering, I asked her about the drink part and she said that was a mistake on the way to the real message of Happy Birthday.
I'm thankful to be able to cherish the gift whether tangible or not. Thank you all.
My grandmother used to say that she was very happy when someone would send her a birthday card because that meant they remembered her. I was a kid at the time and remember thinking "You've got to be kidding! I can't imagine myself thinking that when there's money and gifts to be had on a birthday!"
Now that I'm somewhere in the morass (2. A complicated or confused situation.) of middle-age, I do find myself cherishing cards, well wishes and kind words. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy a tangible gift, but I'm more fond of the non-tangibles than I was as a kid.
I have received several remarkable gifts so far this year. I'd list them, but if I did, I'd leave someone out and that would blow out the candles on a birthday in a way that just wouldn't be pleasant.
I will however, acknowledge my daughter's wish of "Happy Birthday" to me because it was done independently with her electronic talker. She built the following sentence. "I want to I love you I want a drink Happy Birthday." Just in case you're wondering, I asked her about the drink part and she said that was a mistake on the way to the real message of Happy Birthday.
I'm thankful to be able to cherish the gift whether tangible or not. Thank you all.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
The "Perfect Gift"
One of the things about trying to be a good dad that's always bugged me is Christmas Day. In some ways, I dread the holiday. Why would I dread the most anticipated day of the year? For that very reason - anticipation.
Several years ago, we decided to have each of our kids open one gift on Christmas eve. It wasn't supposed to be a big deal because we knew the "best" presents were yet to come on Christmas day. When one of my kids opened the present, they were stunned. It was pajamas. They were so stunned that they cried. I was pretty choked up too. I couldn't believe that such a let down could occur.
So the anticipation is a big deal - especially for the younger crowd. They have more than "visions of sugar plums" dancing in their heads.
The other side of the coin is that I'm not about to spend a fortune to meet that anticipation.
Consequently gift giving becomes quite a tricky business. I want to have their eyes light up, but I don't want them to think that whatever they say is whatever they get.
So we tried a little different approach this year. We asked what they wanted, but we also listened to what they said they wanted when they weren't asking. Some things were verbal. Some things were non- verbal.
We bought presents that they wanted, but then also worked subtly to avoid the "crash" of not receiving what they anticipated. We'd ask questions like "what if you get such and such instead of that really big thing you wanted?" Most of the time it was "Oh that'd be OK because..." But once in a while they'd go on to offer clues as to why they really wanted the first request. We'd listen carefully and then make a decision based on what we'd learned.
I have to say it went quite well. Each child had a favorite gift and even if the gift we bought wasn't the favorite, it was still mentioned as being "great."
There was one exception to this approach this year. My daughter is so very hard to buy for because she doesn't always know what she wants and she can not do anything physically. Giving her any kind of present is a challenge.
I got the idea for "the perfect gift" in an odd place - a funeral. Recently a friend lost her 24 year old son. His caregivers talked about what he liked and what they did to make sure he got to do what he liked. One of the caregivers talked about making sure he had HIS favorite music on his MP3 player. When I heard that, the light bulb went off in my head.
My daughter had recently received a new electronic communication device and part of it had a built in MP3 player. She'd been talking more and more about "music" and I knew she wanted some on her device. I realized though that I had never taken the time to REALLY find out what SHE wanted. So I bought her an iTunes card with the plan that on Christmas day I would spend the time sitting down with her and find out songs that SHE liked. I was excited because not only did I have a plan, I had something that I could actually DO with her while the other kids were tearing up the house with whatever they got.
After opening presents and before breakfast, we were off to my computer. We spent about an hour going through some artists that I knew she liked and then doing a wider search to see if she liked other things. After breakfast we returned to complete the searching. It was amazing how patient she was during the middle of the day when we played a couple of family games. In the evening she returned to the computer with my wife to confirm the earlier choices. Then I took over and we purchased the songs, downloaded them and I put them on her device.
She spent over an hour and a half listening and clicking through various choices on her device. Some times she'd share them with us, and at other times she'd turn the headphones on to listen by herself. I left the songs on while I got her ready for bed. During that time she said "Can I tell you something?" This usually means she's worried about something, but instead she merely said, "thank you." I knew exactly what she meant. She was thanking me for the music, for the time spent together and for the time to get the music on her device so she could use it. I gave her a big kiss and a very big "you're welcome."
Until you spend 17 Christmases looking for the "perfect gift" and watching your child be disappointed 17 times, you can't begin to imagine the overwhelming pleasure I had when she spoke those two words. No other present that I received this year can match the gift I was given in those two words.
I want to thank the caregivers of my friend's son who opened my eyes. Without their insight, I never would have found the "perfect gift."
Several years ago, we decided to have each of our kids open one gift on Christmas eve. It wasn't supposed to be a big deal because we knew the "best" presents were yet to come on Christmas day. When one of my kids opened the present, they were stunned. It was pajamas. They were so stunned that they cried. I was pretty choked up too. I couldn't believe that such a let down could occur.
So the anticipation is a big deal - especially for the younger crowd. They have more than "visions of sugar plums" dancing in their heads.
The other side of the coin is that I'm not about to spend a fortune to meet that anticipation.
Consequently gift giving becomes quite a tricky business. I want to have their eyes light up, but I don't want them to think that whatever they say is whatever they get.
So we tried a little different approach this year. We asked what they wanted, but we also listened to what they said they wanted when they weren't asking. Some things were verbal. Some things were non- verbal.
We bought presents that they wanted, but then also worked subtly to avoid the "crash" of not receiving what they anticipated. We'd ask questions like "what if you get such and such instead of that really big thing you wanted?" Most of the time it was "Oh that'd be OK because..." But once in a while they'd go on to offer clues as to why they really wanted the first request. We'd listen carefully and then make a decision based on what we'd learned.
I have to say it went quite well. Each child had a favorite gift and even if the gift we bought wasn't the favorite, it was still mentioned as being "great."
There was one exception to this approach this year. My daughter is so very hard to buy for because she doesn't always know what she wants and she can not do anything physically. Giving her any kind of present is a challenge.
I got the idea for "the perfect gift" in an odd place - a funeral. Recently a friend lost her 24 year old son. His caregivers talked about what he liked and what they did to make sure he got to do what he liked. One of the caregivers talked about making sure he had HIS favorite music on his MP3 player. When I heard that, the light bulb went off in my head.
My daughter had recently received a new electronic communication device and part of it had a built in MP3 player. She'd been talking more and more about "music" and I knew she wanted some on her device. I realized though that I had never taken the time to REALLY find out what SHE wanted. So I bought her an iTunes card with the plan that on Christmas day I would spend the time sitting down with her and find out songs that SHE liked. I was excited because not only did I have a plan, I had something that I could actually DO with her while the other kids were tearing up the house with whatever they got.
After opening presents and before breakfast, we were off to my computer. We spent about an hour going through some artists that I knew she liked and then doing a wider search to see if she liked other things. After breakfast we returned to complete the searching. It was amazing how patient she was during the middle of the day when we played a couple of family games. In the evening she returned to the computer with my wife to confirm the earlier choices. Then I took over and we purchased the songs, downloaded them and I put them on her device.
She spent over an hour and a half listening and clicking through various choices on her device. Some times she'd share them with us, and at other times she'd turn the headphones on to listen by herself. I left the songs on while I got her ready for bed. During that time she said "Can I tell you something?" This usually means she's worried about something, but instead she merely said, "thank you." I knew exactly what she meant. She was thanking me for the music, for the time spent together and for the time to get the music on her device so she could use it. I gave her a big kiss and a very big "you're welcome."
Until you spend 17 Christmases looking for the "perfect gift" and watching your child be disappointed 17 times, you can't begin to imagine the overwhelming pleasure I had when she spoke those two words. No other present that I received this year can match the gift I was given in those two words.
I want to thank the caregivers of my friend's son who opened my eyes. Without their insight, I never would have found the "perfect gift."
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